


I lost who I am

by MandoGab



Series: I'll show you the stars [one-shots] [3]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: After Jedi Night, Angst, Dark Side vs Light Side, Ezra and Sabine relationship, Ezra needs a hug, Ezra's depression, F/M, Hera loved Kanan so much, Hera needs a hug, Hurt Ezra Bridger, Sabine is an older sister, Star Wars Rebels alternative story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24153682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandoGab/pseuds/MandoGab
Summary: When Kanan died, Ezra lost not only a Master. He lost his friend.The dark side is very tempting and the light slowly goes out in his heart.But he has a family and this family never let him fall.Ezra is filled with emotions, emotions he gives in to.He can stay on thelightside or plunge intodarknessforever...
Relationships: Ezra Bridger/Hera Syndulla, Ezra Bridger/Kanan Jarrus, Ezra Bridger/Sabine Wren, Hera Syndulla/Sabine Wren
Series: I'll show you the stars [one-shots] [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699936
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	1. hopeless

Ezra opened his eyes, realizing that he probably fell asleep during meditation. The boy had a nap more than once in these moments, and although his master often threw him out.  
18-year-old was looking around, noticing that he is the only person in the cabin. He smiled gently, but the gesture didn’t stay on his face for a long time. He always seemed to be rather optimistic, almost everything went smoothly, despite adversity, he was always able to get out of even the most hopeless situation. Even when he lived alone.  
Later everything changed. He gained a family, people who were able to sacrifice a lot so that he could live in the times he dreamed of. And then, suddenly, he lost his master. The person who introduced him to the world of Jedi knights, who taught him so many things. A friend who held him on the _light_ side.

Kanan Jarrus devoted his life not only to saving friends, but also to stopping the Empire. Hera once said that he wasn’t always like this, he didn’t always see the purpose of joining the rebellion in the fight against a much more powerful enemy. But everything changed.

 _Caleb Dume_ , known as Kanan Jarrus was killed. For friends, for rebellion, for Lothal, for freedom. When the Empire destroyed fuel depots, they stopped growth. Kanan accomplished the mission. Until the end of his life he was faithful not only to the Light side, but also to himself. He trusted the ideals that had been outlined in his childhood, trusted them in the following years, and died too early for them. Too unexpectedly. 

Kanan Jarrus _died_.  
And the memory of him died down. At least, that's what Ezra thought. Several days have passed since his master's death and no one has ever mentioned him since returning to base. It was not mentioned loudly, as if afraid to move the delicate string.  
Ezra felt grudge for his friends, for members of his own, temporarily broken family. He thought that after Kanan's death they wouldn’t be able to live the way they used to but the rebellion was still moving forward. The rebels tried to rise from her knees. Ezra felt that it was far too little. It isn’t enough just to want, you also need to do something, take a step. And they? They stopped in place. Kanan Jarrus was killed, and with him one of the sparks that kept them together went out.

**____________________**

"Ezra, are you listening?” Sabine asked, looking at him reproachfully. 

The meeting lasted for several minutes, but he can’t focus on the issues raised. The talk was somewhere else far away. His mind was far away. 

"Yea, you can continue” he said.

They have been keeping their distance for several days. Sabine tried not to pay attention to it. Like Hera, she sank into her job and devised new strategies to deal with something. The events of recent days shocked her a lot, although she tried not to show it. She had Kanan in front of her eyes. She knew that this memory would probably stay with her forever, so the sooner she accepted it, the sooner she would come back to her life. 

"We can’t attack now” Hera said, standing behind Sabine. "Your plan isn’t bad, 'Bine. But it’s too risky.”

"We in risky all the time. What is the difference?” Zeb asked and friends looked at him.  
The pilots looked at the sky, thinking about the question. They nodded their agreement with Lasat, but it was up to Hera to decide. It was she who gave orders.  
She was _the general_. 

"I know that you are throwing a punch to the Empire, after… after what happened. I feel the same as you. But we have to wait…”

"Wait for what?” Ezra asked bravely. "For Lothal’s destruction and other planets? Hera, the Empire destroys us. Innocent people are dying. They want to intimidate us. They _killed Kanan_. What will they do next time?!”

Hera didn't answer.  
Ezra felt that he was alone with all this, that no one just wanted to support him, so as not to get over to Hera, but he didn't care about her. While he always counted on her opinion, now he couldn’t.

He felt darkness suddenly over him. Darkness hugs him. He didn’t rejecting it, on the contrary, he let her stay in his heart. He clenched his fists, feeling unbridled anger envelop him, from within. 

"Who among us will be next? Who we will lose? Zeb? Sabine? Rex? You?” he started exchanging looking straight into Hera's eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, but he didn't let her speak. "Sure, we can sit here, wait until the stormtroopers finally visit us, kill us like lothal-rats. Or they will take us to public execution. They will show people how powerful they are!” 

His words sounded strong, he almost shouted at his friends. Nobody interrupted him, however. And this only motivated him to continue speaking. "Kanan sacrificed his life to save us.”

"He accomplished the mission” Hera said and Ezra looked at her with cold in his eyes. 

"And **_he died!_** ” Ezra yelled. The general tried to stay tough. She looked at him all the time. 

"We got-"

"We have got damn orders! I know, I know! You don't have to keep saying that!” He said, gesturing violently. Sabine looked at Twi'lek, whose heart was slowly falling apart. The young Mandalorian girl saw these words hurt her second mum. She wanted to say something, but that was when Ezra spoke again.

"Ever since ... ever since I joined you I felt ... I felt and saw how much he meant to you. I thought you loved him. Really” he said quietly. Hera didn't answer. She was just looking at him, with tears that slowly gathered under her eyelids. "But _you don't know what love is_! He loved you, Hera! He saved your life! And you? You are still sitting here and waiting. He is dead! He will never save us again! And that's all ... it's all your fault. All because of your damn plan. It's all because of you! _I hate you_!” he shouted, and, without adding anything else, went away in a known direction.

Rebel members stood for a moment, trying to digest the boy's words. Sabine came up to Hera, put her hand on her shoulder. The woman's body trembled with emotions, but she quickly wiped her eyes, wanting to get rid of tears.

"I will talk with him” the Mandalorian said but Hera didn’t answer to her.  
She headed towards her own ship, her _home…_

Hera Syndulla felt that her interior was dying.  
She walked slowly through the corridor, folded into individual cabin doors. Stop by one of them, but she didn't go inside. She no longer wiped away her tears, there was no need. She put her hand on the cold steel, trembling. Sobbing shook her body again and again.  
" _I love you._ ”  
The whisper, for a moment interrupted her body tremors, didn’t stop only the tears that dripped calmly onto the floor. These words didn't matter anymore because it was too late; much too late.  
"I need you, _Kanan_ ” she whispered, believing that the Force will lead these words to him.

She believed that the Force was ubiquitous.  
And she believed that he would hear her.  
Perhaps she loved him too little, maybe she hid it too well.  
She might not know much about love, but she loved Kanan Jarrus with all her heart.


	2. darkness

_**d a r k n e s s**_  
_is not evil,_  
_it's portrayed_  
_as evil_

_Francis Koya_  


  


Ezra looked straight ahead into the darkness. Far, just off the horizon, he saw two moons, characteristic of his home. They have been illuminating these lands for centuries, heralding peaceful nights. Lothal was no longer what it used to be. Ezra remembered the planet as vibrant. Maybe he couldn't compare her to Coruscant, but she still had her advantages. For the young boy this planet was the most beautiful in the galaxy, the most important in his heart. All memories related to parents were related to Lothal.  
Eighteen-year-old closed his eyes, wanting to cut himself off from reality. For a moment he wanted forget about the place where he is, about the friends where he stopped believing, about his parents and master, whom he lost forever. His thoughts, however, were still rushing forward. He couldn't balance himself. Words overlapped, mixed up, occurred. He heard them but he didn’t see images.

_What is the Force?_  
_The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together._

He remembered conversations with Kanan, remembered the first training, the first defeats and the first small wins, which were rewarded with the proud smiles of an older Jedi. Ezra didn't always believe in himself, but he didn't have to. It’s enough that his master appeared next to him, who constantly put his hope in a young boy, filled with strong Force. He saw him as a future Jedi knight, saw a warrior. Ezra felt him standing over the precipice, suspended between the Light and Dark sides. The roads slowly blurred, leaving him in the middle. He no longer had support in Kanan, which whenever he saw his hesitation, he immediately dragged Ezra’s toward the light. Now the boy had to do it alone.

I have to be stronger.  
I have to defend them.  
I won't let them hurt any more.

He remembered his own words, once spoken in anger. They were still completely up to current. He might have been angry at friends that they didn't want to take any steps forward, but he could do it. Even if he was alone in all this.  
He had to protect them. Kanan was dead. Now he was the Jedi they needed, he had to save the galaxy. He had huge responsibility on his shoulders. But he was ready to do anything; all to make his friends safe and free. 

_Ezra._

_Ezra!_

_Ezra!_

Voices overlapped, he heard them from all sides. Spoken by various people he knew and who knew him.

_Ezra!_

_Ezra Bridger!_

He clenched his eyelids harder, longed to silence his thoughts. He wanted leave emotions, go away from here. Darkness enveloped his heart, almost clenching his claws. He felt pain, though not physical but perfectly debilitating.

"Ezra."

The whisper. Sabine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it. I know it's short but I want each chapter to represent different emotions.  
> (And I'm so sorry if I wrote something incorrectly. English isn't my native language and this story is translated from my Polish original version. I hope that is understandable anyway 😁)


	3. sadness

"Ezra" Her soft voice came from behind him. He felt the girl slowly put her hand on his shoulder, as for this short moment releases him. He opened his eyes. Everything around was dark.

"Everything is alright?" She asked, sitting next to him. He nodded, as she could see in the glow of the moons. She sighed softly. Her eyes wandered somewhere. Ezra was looking exactly the same way.

"Do you really think we should attack them? Do you think we can succeed?"

These were only two questions, but Ezra felt that Sabine expected answers, even short ones. He looked down and took a deep breath. The darkness in him disappeared. Anger changed. And yet he felt something. Tears glistened in his eyes. There was sadness inside him.

"I don't know anymore," he replied quietly. The Mandalorian looked at him but he didn't look up.

"We miss him too, Ezra," she said calmly, trying to hold back her tears. She didn't want him to see her fear, her pain. She didn't want to open up to him. She did it once. "You are not alone with this," she added.

"I know, I... I don't know what got inside me," he explained, standing up. Sabine followed in his steps. 

"You know ... I remember Lothal as a completely different place to that. There was grass everywhere, there was no need to hide in the city. I have never... never felt like a free man, there has always been the Empire in my life, but…" he stopped. Sabine felt his pain, she saw restraining himself from crying. 

"Why does our life look like this, Sabine?” he asked and looked into her eyes in pain. She didn't answer, remembering Mandalore, but she could never call this planet a home.

She didn’t remember her glory days. Only images of emptiness and endlessness remain from childhood. Hopelessness in the lands engulfed in a war that was still going on between the clans. She remembered perfectly well when, as a little girl, she listened to the councils, as she often saw wounded soldiers returning from unsuccessful storms. She didn’t understand why there could be no peace, why Mandalorians killed Mandalorians.  
And then... she ran away.

"I would like to see a grass-covered Mandalore someday" he whispered completely seriously. Sabine smiled weakly.

She dreamed about it deeply in her heart. She wanted to see with her own eyes how Mandalora rises from knees, how the planet proves the galaxy that it is able to revive.  
Sabine Wren was a warrior. Always. However, as a Mandalorian, she wanted above all that the clans wouldn’t suffer, that they would stop fighting. War never ends well. As a rebel, she wanted peace, not only in the galaxy but above all on her home planet. And she was ready to fight for this peace. 

"As long as we support each other, we have a chance to win” she said. Ezra looked at her, smiling slightly. He nodded, then followed her as she decided to leave him alone.

Ezra felt the wind smash his face, shuddered and looked one last time at the horizon. In the distance, he heard the loud howling of wolves and when his sight returned to staring at the ground again, he saw the loth-cat, who was quietly mumbling and rubbing against his legs. The boy smiled gently at him, though he didn't intend to do so.

There has been a change. He felt it in himself, but he couldn’t name it.  
Something like ... like _weakness_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	4. weakness

_Ezra Bridger!_

He heard his name above silence. A voice broke through thin barrier, sinking it into darkness. The boy looked around, but did not see anyone who could call him. In addition, he had the impression that the call had come from inside. He pursed his lips tightly, not answering the call. Behind him he heard a soft rustle, but he didn't turn around. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then went for the temporary base.

He felt more and more overwhelmed with each step, weaker. In his head the thoughts fought among themselves, as if he couldn't decide what his priority was now, what he should do. Doubts began on Hera; was he to apologize to her or could he leave the case as it is now? He thought about the crew and other rebels, about their role in all this. The Empire was also part of it; he thought of traitors, people whom he had trusted so far.  
He felt lonely. Left to make such important decisions that were to decide about the future.  
If Kanan were here, he would go to him without hesitation, talk to his own master, ask for help. Though to tell you the truth, if he were here, Ezra would not have felt these doubts.

Ezra felt fear and darkness and suffering that slowly ripped through his heart. He saw the Spirit in the distance, and he stopped for a moment. He saw Hera spinning by the ship. He had no idea what he could do at this time, but he wasn't going to think about it. So he moved on, with each step being closer and closer to Hera and her ship.

"Ezra?" A quiet voice stopped him as he tried to board unnoticed. He couldn't just walk away, so he turned slowly toward the woman. She looked at him attentively, tears glistened in her eyes that he saw when moonlight illuminated her face.

"Hera, I..." he began, but she didn’t let him finish.

"Don't say anything, I talked to Sabine. You were right about the plans and about Kanan," she said. Ezra didn't know what to say, how to behave. Still, he stood there.Hera looked at him, giving him a gentle smile. The boy returned him.  
"I know how much he meant to you. And I know how much you meant to him."

Ezra wanted to approach her for a moment, hug her and say that it would be okay now. But he couldn't. Some force, much stronger than his fragile body, fixed him to the ground. He could only nod his head barely.  
He got on board a Ghost, then immediately went to his cabin. It was empty after all; Zeb was probably on guard or he was doing something completely different. Ezra, however, didn’t think too much about the fate of his friend, glad that Lasat did not attack him with a series of questions or reproach him.  
The boy looked carefully around the cabin, noting that everything that he had accumulated in this room for years. He touched one of the helmets he was collecting. He ran his fingers over it, then knocked him off the shelf quickly. He did the same with the rest, not caring about their fate.  
He felt emotions take over him, suddenly he lost ground. Tears appeared in his eyes, though he didn't want to cry now. He wiped his eyes quickly, taking a deep breath. Thoughts again turned against the Empire. He hated this control, he hated this powerlessness.  
_Fear, anger, pain..._ overwhelmed him. He couldn't think rationally.

He clenched his teeth tightly, not wanting to make the slightest sound even though he wanted to scream. Shout very loudly. He wanted to get rid of this anger, this hatred, and on the other hand he wanted to close it in his heart. And hit with all his strength. Destroy people who have taken so much from him.

He lost his parents first.  
Then many friends, not only those who supported the rebellion.  
They killed Kanan in cold blood.

He felt growing anger within him. He couldn't deny him, he couldn't get rid of him.  
He lay down on the bunk and closed his eyes, wanting to escape from his own feelings and from this... coldness, which suddenly wrapped his body with an icy shoulder. He curled up, arms around his knees, trying to hide.  
Hide from _the Dark_.

A real fight was going on inside it; struggle between the Light and Dark sides of the Force. And there was no one left to help him. There was no Kanan to bring him back to the light. There was only him, Ezra Bridger. Alone.  
He felt like suddenly becoming nobody, weakness taking over him.  
He fell asleep with tears streaming down his cheeks, powerlessness in his heart, racing thoughts in his head, _anger_ growing with each passing moment.

He fell to rise. Much stronger than ever before...


	5. anger

He felt the darkness taking over him. He clenched his fists, slowly losing control of his body. He hit the metal floor with all his strength and pain spread all over his body. He shuddered and lay down on the cold surface, absorbing the chill. He felt emotions accumulate inside him, how he lost control over his own life, not only over his activities, but also over the mind that surrounded ny darkness.

"Ezra?"

He looked up to see Sabine standing in the doorway. The Mandalorian looked at him fearfully, but she didn’t leave. On the contrary, despite the terror he sensed, she came up to him, crouching beside. 

"What's happening?" She asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. He flinched, feeling a hot touch that almost burned him. He couldn't describe this feeling. But he didn't want to feel it. He stood up quickly.

"It's okay," he said, forcing a smile. "Do you have a case for me?" He asked, as if nothing had happened.  
He wanted to put her vigilance down. He turned his back on her, almost certain that when he met her eyes again, he would notice indifference. However, this didn't happen. She looked at him with a concerned look. He didn't know that Sabine well. For that he knew perfectly well that who, like someone, would not let him go.

"Can we talk?” Her voice sounded low, too low. Ezra could not guess what he could mean. He nodded.

"Listen, I know that it's hard for you, that you can't find yourself in this situation, just like all of us, but we have to move on. Together as before. As a family," she said, but Ezra wasn't going to answer her. "Otherwise this war will never end. And that's what we want, right Ezra? We will free Lothal and save the galaxy, but we need everyone to fight this fight. Kanan gave his life for us, sacrificed himself for the good of us all, but now we must defend the weaker and destroy the Empire once and for all."

"You're... you're absolutely right," he replied, agreeing with her. At least in one moment.

_I won't let my friends hurt._

"Great, come with me. I promised Hera that I would bring you," Sabine replied, smiling slightly. She headed toward the exit, but stopped when she saw that the boy was not following her, she stopped.

"I'll join you in a few minutes," he said to her.

"Sure," she replied, then left both: his cabin and the deck of the Ghost.

Ezra felt something change radically. Coolness, darkness and silence swept over him from everywhere.  
He wanted to change something, he wanted immediate changes. He wanted to destroy something, destroy it, get rid of everyone who threatened his family.  
Sabine is right, they have to be together.

_Ezra!_ _Ezra!_ _Wake up!_

"I will save them at all costs," he whispered to himself. "I will do anything for them."

His eyes burned with pure _anger_ , suddenly glowing in the darkness. He clenched his fists firmly, ready to fulfill his mission. He must save his own family, the one he has had. He won't stop fighting the Empire, he won't abandon friends, save them.

_The effects of anger will be instant, but it's a trap!_

Nobody can stop him, overwhelmed by darkness.

  
* * *

_He woke up in his own children's room. Everything looked as he remembered. He could not, however, specify what year it was, what time it was. Was he a small child again, had a full family and lived apparent freedom? Or maybe he was already a teenager without parents, without friends, without hope.  
He looked around, emerging from under the warm blanket he had covered so far. Somewhere in the distance came the voices, the voices of his parents. He quickly walked the distance that separated him from the door. He opened it quickly, but didn't see the corridor known from his memories.  
Instead, he found himself in his next room. In the tower. In the tower where he spent most of his childhood.  
For the first time his father took him there. He remembered that day perfectly, though he couldn't have been more than six years old. What's more, he tried to throw away that day forever, forget his own parents. Forget everything, to escape from the past, which was taking its toll every day._

_Ezra!_

_He heard the scream behind him. When he turned around, he saw his mother staring sadly at him. She was alone. She reached out a hand, but instead of approaching it he backed away. And she disappeared as soon as she appeared._

__

_Ez! Please!_

__

__

_Sabine. Her scream. Muffled, he barely reached his ears, blurred by the darkness. He felt someone wrap his arms around him, anger taking over him, pulling him away from the Light Side. He saw a friend lying on the ground, trying to help her Hera. He saw imperial, Governor Pryce... saw death... and powerlessness... growing darkness._

  
* * *

"Sabine," his whisper spread across the cabin as he woke up suddenly from a terrifying nightmare that took over his entire body. He had no idea if it was more a dream or a vision. Or maybe both. 

He quickly came to the conclusion that he was no longer alone in the room, hearing the loud snoring of Lasat. He quickly jumped off his bunk and left quietly from the room. He was going to go outside, get some fresh air and maybe think about everything he saw.

The whole interior of the Ghost was in silence. The lights were turned off, so all he could trust was his own memory. Before he went out, he glanced at the door to Sabine's cabin.

He approached the doors on his toes and tried to keep them as quiet as possible. With the help of the Force, he managed not to make too much noise and most importantly not to wake up the sleeping Mandalorian. Though it was dark in her cabin too, he saw her lying under a thin blanket. Her legs were bent at the knees and her hands were close to her head. He stared at her for a moment, hoping that he wouldn't wake up and shoot him from the blaster. He knew he was holding them somewhere close. Ready to defend at any time.

He knew her.

He wanted to touch her, brush her hair from her forehead and tell her how much she meant to him, but all he could do now was listen to her calm breath. His hand hung in the air as he sent her the rest of the good energy. A slight smile appeared on the girl's face.  
Ezra smiled back, though for a moment it was the same again.

Perhaps there is still some hope left in him, maybe he will be the last person to spark her spark again?  
Or he will forever fall into darkness.


	6. evil

Ezra opened his eyes, feeling movement behind him. For over an hour he was in meditation, focusing on his own emotions. From the early morning he avoided the entire crew, just as he had in the last four days. He didn't even talk to Sabine, he cut himself off from her completely.  
With each passing moment it was getting worse, he felt more and more that he was losing himself, that he was falling into the darkness deeper and deeper. He was terrified of what he really is capable of now, what he can do if he is not too careful. He only knew that he couldn’t hurt his own family and that is why he moved away from them. He didn't want to hurt his friends, and he had once found out how treacherous the Dark Side was. He was sure he couldn't do without her.  
_Evil_ took over him.  
It was a good time. 

Good time for an attack, for payment, for revenge, and over time – for a sense of relief.  
He got up quickly from his knees and headed for the deck of the Ghost. He passed Hera, who looked at him seriously. She intended to stop him, but gave up at the sight of his face, full of strange concentration. She wanted to talk to him, discuss with him everything that had happened with him over the last days, but she couldn’t get it.

"Sabine, can we talk?” Hera asked, when the girl passed by carrying one of the crates. The Mandalorian girl nodded and returned to woman, putting the item away. Hera seemed even more depressed since Ezra moved away from them. "When was the last time you talked to him?”

"With Ezra?” The young girl asked, only receiving a nod as an answer. "Last time this morning, but I wouldn't call it a conversation, more an exchange of short sentences. I tried to say something more, but he went away and I haven't seen him later.”

"He's changed," Hera said, looking at her own feet. Sabine looked at her, feeling her heart melt with regret and pain. She tried to be strong, as strong as Hera. But now she only saw how weak this woman was. A woman who tried to provide them with a normal home, which they treated almost like their own mother. Sabine has never felt loved as much by her own parents as Hera. Looking at her, she couldn't believe that Hera was the same general who sent fighters every now and then.

"If Kanan were here, he would know how to help him. I feel like I have let him down,” she whispered, not looking at the girl. Sabine put a hand on her shoulder but didn't know what to say. They were silent for a moment, until Ezra stepped out of the Ghost and stood before them.

His gaze focused on Twi'lek woman first and then directed him at the young girl. A gentle smile appeared on his face, nothing cheating, so innocent, yet in a sense treacherous and frightening.

"Ezra-"

"Don't say anything to Sabine," he replied, then headed in the opposite direction. The Mandalorian tried to stop him but gave up after a moment. She watched him, at his figure slowly disappearing into the night. She felt tears under her eyelids, felt them slowly flowing down her cheeks, marked the wet paths and dried out.

"Do you also have a strange feeling that something bad will happen?" Asked Zeb, suddenly appearing behind the girl. Sabine quickly wiped her wet cheeks and turned to see the worry on Lasat's face. She nodded, then passed him and continued on toward the ship. It was only inside her own cabin that she again vented her emotions. She hid them for so long, now she deserved a moment of weakness, a breakdown that perhaps would free her from the pain she felt deep inside.

Tears ran down her cheeks as she looked at the datapad and the red dot slowly moving toward the capital. In the morning, she placed the locator in Ezra’s comlink, and could track him down and find him. She was afraid that she would not be able to save him.

*** * ***

Sabine glanced at the datapad, noticing that she was quite close.  
It was late, long after curfew, but she wasn't going to back down because of it. The only concern was Ezra's detection of her, but nothing like that had ever happened. She wasn't sure exactly how all these Jedi tricks work and she didn't want to find out that night.

She left the base completely different than her younger friend. Ezra just hit the road without ever mentioning what he was going to do. Sabine on the contrary. She warned Hera that she was taking on this mission, but she was counting on minor support if needed. She hoped that she would do it herself, finally find out what was happening to Ezra, and perhaps stop him from doing some stupidity. Sabine knew that the boy was capable of everything. Especially now, when he has been acting like him for several days.

She felt a cool stone behind her as she clung to one of the houses, hiding in the shadows. A patrol was walking down the street, and she didn't need extra trouble. Ezra was now the most important part of her entire plan. He headed for the dome, home of the Empire's highest warriors, along with Governor Pryce at Lothal. Sabine didn't want to know the reasons why he was going that way, but she knew that whatever the boy wanted to do, nothing good would come of it. She'll have to stop him.

"Who's there?” One of the stormtroopers asked as she leaned out of the building imperceptibly. She returned to the darkness immediately, but it was too late. Two soldiers rushed towards her and the safe hideout had to be abandoned by her.

She quickly run a small distance separating her from the next place, where she could hide and plan her next move.  
She backed off, suddenly bumping into someone. In the blink of an eye she pulled out her blasters, aiming at the intruder. She hesitated, noticing those extraordinary eyes in the dark. Eyes that were filled with hatred now that did not remind her of her family or her freedom.  
Now, lost in revenge, they burned like fire.

"Ezra," she whispered, and the boy almost immediately put his hand to her lips. She looked at him sharply, but he didn't pay much attention to it, only watching the departing stormtroopers. It wasn't until they were gone that he released her, giving her more freedom.

"You followed me," he said.

"Are you surprised?” She asked in a similar tone. "Ezra, what's going on?” She added a little more gently, looking him straight in the eye. He looked down, refusing to reveal the truth. He himself was completely unaware of what he was actually doing here.

"You shouldn't be here, Sabine. Go back to base. I have to do it myself.” He tried to speak as he used to, without arousing suspicion.

"What do you have to do yourself, Ezra? We are a family, we were supposed to support each other and suddenly you go on some lonely missions. What's going on with you? Where is the old Ezra who, above all, would worry about his own family than-"

"What are you doing here?"  
Question interrupted Sabine's sudden monologue. It was somewhere behind Ezra's back. The stormtrooper raised his weapon, approaching them. He was getting closer and closer. Sabine saw her friend extend a hand towards the lightsaber.

Later everything happened in a moment. A very short moment.

They no longer had to worry about interference during the conversation when the dead stormtrooper lay next to it. Ezra stared at him for a moment, feeling no reproach. Feeling practically nothing but a small triumph. He was a Jedi Knight, so he was almost indestructible.

"Ez.”

"Go away, Sabine," Ezra said without looking at her. He went out into the street, revealed himself. The girl looked at him, unable to believe. He walked straight ahead, wielding the lightsaber that seemed to show him the way.

*** * ***

Ezra felt like hatred hidden deep in his heart, slowly emerging. Darkness enveloped his thoughts, deeds and desires. He could only obey evil. The last spark of the Light side went out when he left Sabine. The girl stayed behind him somewhere and although he was aware that she didn’t comply with his request and didn't return to base, he didn't care too much. He will do anything to help the rebellion, so that the Empire repays his debt. He saved their family at all costs.

The dome was closely guarded by a group of stormtroopers, but Ezra was not afraid of fighting them. On the contrary, he was sure he would come out victorious. The soldiers saw him in the dark when he turned on his sword. They positioned themselves, pointing their rifles at him, but the boy only smiled at the sight.  
He paused, looking at the "bucketheads" group.

"Drop the weapon!” One of the soldiers shouted, but Ezra disobeyed. He tightened his grip on the sword hilt. He heard quiet footsteps behind him, taken by the servants of the Empire.

He closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again they glowed with blood red. He had no qualms, no one could stop him.  
He felt anger, hatred and evil.  
The dark side took complete control over him.

He turned for a moment, assessing the situation. And then he saw her. Hidden in the dark.

The Mandalorian stood straight with the blaster outstretched, ready to shoot at any moment. However, she suddenly hesitated.  
Even though he was standing a few meters away from her, she could see his eyes, the shocking look that chilled her blood. Tears glistened in her eyes and slowly rolled down her cheeks. His hands trembled at his strong, pain-filled look. Maybe he hated the whole world now, maybe he was going to do something monstrous, but she still could see the good and the light in him.

The Dark Side wanted to swallow him, but he radiated something she couldn't defeat.

Ezra Bridger, whoever he became now, still carried the most powerful weapon in his heart - hope.

  
_A spark of hope can change everything_

*** * ***

Arihnda Pryce as Governor of Lothal has always had a lot on her mind. In particular, the last few days, when the rebels forced her to blow up fuel tanks. The idea of organizing the parade, which was to divert the attention of the Grand Admiral Thrawn, did not bring the expected results, which caused only problems.

She looked again at the datapad, trying to figure out all this rebellion. She'd been watching members of it months, trying to break them down, and now that she was able to achieve even half the success, no one triumphed.

The governor sighed quietly, focusing her eyes on the text, when suddenly she heard a kind of shooting coming from behind her armored door. She stood up abruptly, grabbing her weapon. There was no escape from here, and if needed she could defend herself. The cameras may have detected the intruder, but she was too focused on finding rebel weaknesses that she didn’t pay much attention to them. 

And it was her mistake.

Ezra unlocked the door as he entered the room with a stony face. He had a sword in his hand, a blaster attached to his belt, though he had a feeling he would not use it today.  
Pryce looked at him with fear, but with a kind of deeply hidden curiosity. The boy closed the door and focused on his victim, standing just a few meters away. He felt hatred flowing all over his body to finally find an outlet in the bundle of energy.

"Ezra Bridger," the woman said, laughing softly. He gave her a look of contempt. "You came to give yourself into my hands without a fight? Wise decision."

"You're wrong, I came to get even with you," he replied.

"So you came across the wrong person.”

"Could it? You gave the order! And you did it! Now I will give it on you, condemning you to death!" He shouted, jumping over to her. With the help of the Force, he threw the weapon from her hand, placing the sword closer to her body. She backed away as much as she came across a stone wall. She clung to her back, feeling her heart rise to her throat.

His eyes blazed with unbridled evil. Pryce felt a chill envelop her body, and sweat drops running down her back. She wasn't afraid, she was simply terrified.  
The lightsaber blade came even closer. The woman felt her uniform burn through slowly. She closed her eyes, prepared for the sudden pain that didn't occur. A strange twist of fate.

„ _ **Stop!**_ ”

The scream tore the silence, and Ezra turned away immediately, finding the source of the voice.

"Sabine," he said, not being particularly surprised by the sudden appearance of the girl. He smiled slightly, then sheathed the sword, to the temporary relief of the governor. With the help of the Force, he threw the woman's body aside, watching it fall.

"Ezra, what's the matter with you?” The Mandalorian asked, wanting to get closer. The boy didn't let her do that. He stopped her, glancing at Pryce trying to get up. His turn wandered towards his victim, then towards his friend. Sabine reached out a hand, but did not pay special attention to this gesture.

"I will help you Ezra, but you must trust me, you must wake up. Together we will come back home," she promised, feeling the sob in her throat.

"We don't have a _home_ , Sabine! We no longer have our loving, happy family! And the only person responsible for it is she!" He shouted, pointing to a woman lying on the ground. "Let me kill her, Sabine!" He screamed, a tear running down his cheeks. He didn't control his own emotions.

"I can't," she replied, pointing her blasters at him. Ezra fell to the floor in an instant, struggling with some invisible force that was trying to take complete control over him. He tried to resist, he fought, to no avail. He stood up with his last strength and whispered towards the young Mandalorian woman "Run away."

A voice full of pain and fear, despair, hopelessness.

"I won't leave you," she whispered, trying to sound hard not to show fear.

"Then you will die."

There was no weakness in his tone. Pure anger. Clear hatred.  
Suddenly she lost the ground under her feet, some unknown force lifts her while clenching her throat. Threw out the blasters. She tried to pull the invisible hands with her own, but it didn't bring the expected results. It felt like a loop tightening around her neck. She tried to get up again but she couldn't. Sabine felt like she was losing her breath, as she embraced not only her throat but also her lungs.

"Ez-ra” Sabine tried to say.

The boy ignored her. The fingers of his right hand moved slightly, causing her more pain. Tears ran down the girls cheeks. Now she wasn't a tough warrior, she allowed herself to be weak. Through all these years, she tried to be indestructible, until the time had come to crush her rampant spirit.

"Ez, please," Sabine whispered, almost silently.

Silence.

_  
Ezra_

A quiet voice, coming from an unknown side, as if out of nowhere. Unknown, but at the same time uttered in a calm tone that he has heard hundreds of times. The boy looked around, loosening his grip a bit. Sabine took some air, taking advantage of Ezra's inattention. She tried to get out, but she didn't have enough strength to defeat the Force.

_  
Ezra, it’s me_

"Go away!" He shouted, recognizing the voice. The voice of his own master.

_  
Ezra, it's me, Kanan  
Look, I know how you feel now, but Sabine's death  
won't let you deal with it  
You won't feel relief  
You won't regain balance_

"I don't need a balance, I don't need you either!”

_  
Ezra  
it's the Dark Side of the Force  
She took control of you  
Dark Side doesn't want your victory  
Dark Side wants defeat and fall  
Don't let her take control_

"Go away!" He repeated, feeling suddenly losing his strength, how everything was accelerating and he was losing balance.

_  
Trust me, Ezra  
I'll help you_

"No, you won't help! You... you're dead!" He screamed, unable to hold back his tears any longer. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed friends who suddenly appeared in the room, looking at the scene in horror. They tried to approach him, stop him, but the Force was too strong and the darkness too powerful.

_  
I could not do otherwise  
Even if it meant my death  
I'm still with you, Ezra  
**I will always be with you**_

The Light Side is more powerful.  
Ezra shuddered, feeling despair slowly freeing himself. With more tears, with another sob and bitter crying, it was getting better. Calm down in his raging heart. He lowered his hand, letting Sabine fall into Hera's protective arms. Woman was terrified of the girl's condition. The young Mandalorian was unconscious, all attempts to wake her up had no effect. 

"Sabine?" Ezra's weak whisper caught all his friends' attention. The boy lay on the floor, completely helpless, weak, unable to move. He was breathing too fast, and tears were still pouring out from under his eyelids. 

"Zeb, take the kid," Hera ordered, checking the Mandalorian's pulse. "We're not leaving him here. Ryder, take Sabine. We need to give her oxygen as soon as possible." 

"Hera?" Ezra asked quietly as Zeb came over to Twi'lek with boy in his arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered, closing his eyes. Those blue eyes she missed so much. 

"Everything will be fine," she whispered back. "Okay, quickly, we get out of here before the bucketheads get ordered!" She said to her friends and they headed towards the base. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Please, take a tissue from me*
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
> If you want, you can write o comment. I will be very pleased.


	7. solitude

"It's getting worse, Hera," Ryder said after a long pause, looking at the girl in his arms. She was breathing very hard, gasping for air. And although they were so close, they lacked time so much. The woman glanced at her friend, afraid that they would fail.

"Specter 2 to Mart," she said to comlink.

"It’s Mart, what’s up, General?" He asked.

"We need transportation. We're about two miles from the base. Take the Ghost,” she gave the order, looking toward the unconscious girl.

"But General, what if they track us?"

"This is the order, you have to do it," she said and turned off the communicator. She looked toward the city, where the search had already begun. Several gunboats were heading towards them, but Hera hoped that the boy would get them out of here. There was a completely empty area ahead of them, they had to wait for rescue. A way ahead would simply be suicide.

The ship landed only a few minutes later, immediately lowering the ramp. Chopper buzzed and friends hurried onto the board. Hera gave the signal to start, running alone towards the cabin. She opened it quickly, bringing a small respirator. Ryder carefully put the girl on her bunk, and woman put the mask on Mandalorian's face, knowing that she could do nothing more. She sat on the floor, taking the girl's cool fingers in her hands, feeling tears welling up in her eyes.  
Friends looked at her in pain. 

"Zeb, take Ezra to your cabin and make sure he is safe there," she said quietly.

"Sure thing, Hera," Lasat replied, then left the room.

It wasn't long before she felt the ship land again.   
Sabine Wren was like a _daughter_ to her. Through all these years, when she participated with them in various missions, not once and twice risking her own life, she became part of this family. Hera met her mother, Countess Ursa Wren. She did not notify her or anyone from the Sabine’s clan. She still hoped that the young Mandalorian was too hard to just let her die.   
And their hope always died last.   
No matter what. 

Hera felt a gentle movement. She looked up, watching the girl's fingers twitch slightly. Her chest rose a little calmer, in an almost normal rhythm. And the oxygen mask was slightly misted up, which only meant that the girl began to breathe on her own. The woman sat down next to her, carefully watching her face, so as not to miss any moment that could be extremely crucial.  
Sabine blinked quickly, trying to get up, but Hera stopped her quickly.

"Relax, you're safe now," she said gently, smiling. The girl opened her mouth as if to answer, but Hera didn't understand her. "I'll bring you water."

The Mandalorian nodded, following her as she left the room. Sabine looked around, learning that she was in Hera's cabin. She didn't quite remember what had happened. She also felt a throbbing headache.  
She closed her eyes, suddenly seeing images that were beginning to appear and disappear. Memories of previous hours. She tried to stop Ezra from killing Pryce. She tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen to her. And then she felt a sudden pain, a hug that took her breath away.

She sat up abruptly on her bunk, breathing quickly and rapidly. Hera entered the cabin, looking at the shocked Mandalorian in horror.

"Sabine, easy. What's happening?” She asked, sitting down opposite the girl. She didn't answer, placing her hand on her neck as if she wanted to feel something. Her skin was warm, there was no sign of a murder attempt.

"Ezra," she whispered through a clenched throat. Hera looked down, but said nothing, giving the girl a cup of water. She took off her mask for a moment so that she could drink. The Mandalorian looked at the shaking drink and took a few sips, swallowing it without hindrance.

Everything was fine, only memories remained.

Hera helped her lie down, then covered her with a warm blanket and put the mask on again. She arranged herself so that the girl could rest her head on her shoulder and fall asleep peacefully. She was not sure how her lungs would behave when she was asleep and did not want to risk her life again.

"Everything will be fine, but you need to rest. These days were very hard, and the last hours probably the most” Hera said quietly, putting a hand on her friend's cheek, wiping one of the flowing tears. She saw pain and fear in her brown eyes. She wanted to help her, but she felt completely powerless. Sabine just nodded, then closed her eyelids. Hera wanted to get up to give her some time to recover, but she felt Mandalorian's hands embrace her arm, preventing movement.

"Stay," the girl asked weakly, and the woman felt her heart soften. She kissed her 20-year-old in her hair, as a mother kisses her own child to goodnight and she smiled.

"I'm not going anywhere, Sabine," she said quietly, closing her eyes calmly.

  
***

Ezra sat on the bunk, holding his lightsaber in his hands. He turned it over in his fingers, watching him closely. It was not a very large object, quite light for a deadly weapon. Eighteen, however, knew his power.  
He didn't remember much of the last hours. Only flashes, and when he closed his eyes he saw an unconscious friend trying to catch her breath. Still nobody wanted to explain anything to him, didn't want to clarify the matter. Though Ezra knew it was very important.

The door suddenly opened, and Hera appeared in the doorway.

"Can I go in?" She asked, and the boy just nodded. The room was filled with darkness again, but neither he nor he bothered. The woman sat on the lower bunk, next to the teenager. For a moment she looked at his stooped figure, at his contrite gaze, still focused on one object.

"What happened to me, Hera?" He looked at her with his slightly childish look. The woman sighed quietly, but decided to answer him. That is why she came here - to help him.

"We think you were under the influence of the Dark Side," she explained, but Ezra didn't answer. He was just looking at her. He wanted her to continue. "You've been acting strange in the last few days. You haven't talked to us, anyone. You disappeared for hours, we thought you needed peace and quiet, that you meditate alone. You were pretending, but none of us realized it. We were all in our work. We planned to attack the Empire together to finally take back the capital. Zeb and Sabine insisted that I join you in this mission, but I wasn't sure you needed that burden yet. I justified you with your suffering, despite the fact that I hurt you. If I had noticed earlier-"

"I am entirely at fault, Hera. First of all, I shouldn't have shouted at you, and secondly, I could beat it. This despair, that's all..." His voice began to break. "I didn't know how to handle it. I felt as if no one could feel the same pain. I lost my master and friend, but I wasn't alone. I acted like a moron."

"Each of us had a part in it. Kanan is dead, but we still alive, Ezra. And while we live, there is also hope for victory," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"He always knew what to do," Ezra whispered, smiling gently. Hera agreed with him, returning the gentle gesture. "I talked to him. Then at Pryce's office. He wanted me to let Sabine go, but I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt her," he added.

"I know you don't."

"How does she feel? Is she okay?" He asked, feeling tears welling up under his eyelids.

"She started to breathe on her own, so we are all of good cheer. Everything will be all right," she assured, embracing him with her arms. She felt suddenly trembling, shaken by unrestrained sobbing.

"I could kill her," he whispered.

"You weren't kill her Ezra, nothing happened."

"But it could happen, Hera!" He shouted, then suddenly stood up, breaking free from her protective arms. A stream of tears ran down his cheeks, but he did not try to wipe them or hide. "I could kill her," he repeated, much quieter. He looked at the lightsaber, then flung it hard against the floor.   
He became a Jedi to _protect_ his planet, his home, his friends and family, and now he could lose it all.   
In one second. The whole point of fighting.

"You have to talk to her, Ezra," Hera said quietly, standing up and walking over to him. She put both hands on his shoulders, smiling slightly. "This is the past. Remember, you still have a family that loves you very much. No matter what."


	8. hope

_I don’t mean about the Force,  
I mean about life,  
about being a good person  
that’s what you’ve taught me._

Sabine looked at the datapad again, trying to figure out the tactics that Hera had just introduced at the meeting. She bit her lower lip, turning off the screen, then headed for the deck of the Spirit. She walked slowly, knowing that according to the plan the attack would not start until tomorrow, in the morning.

"Sabine," she heard suddenly behind her. She stopped but didn't turn around, knowing exactly who the voice belonged to. She felt a hand on her arm. She glanced at the smiling Hera. The woman took the datapad from her and moved on toward to her own ship. Sabine was still standing in one place. Finally, she turned around, meeting Ezra.  
They haven't had a word for two days. Mainly because they had their own business on their heads, and Sabine was trying to keep her distance. She didn't want to talk to anyone, especially Ezra. She knew, however, that she would have to face the past and try to forgive the person who hurt her, though unwittingly.

"Can we talk?" He asked, approaching her. He was so close at his fingertips, but Sabine wasn't going to reduce the distance. She nodded barely noticeably, then headed for one of the rocks. Ezra had been there earlier, a few hours after Kanan's death. And even though the girl still didn't feel completely safe in the company of the boy, she wanted to be alone with him.

They sat side by side, but not too close, looking towards the vast area, almost completely stripped. Ezra felt the strange tension between them increase, but he was afraid to do anything to make matters worse. He wanted to rebuild a good relationship with the Mandalorian girl, he wanted her to trust him again.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Sabine," he began the conversation quietly, still not looking at the girl. He heard a soft sigh and felt her eyes on him.

"I know," she replied. "You asked me to come back to the base, but I didn't listen to you," she added, remembering individual images, scraps of memories from that night.

"I don't remember much, Sabine. Only the pure hatred I felt. I was so scared that something would happen to you, but I knew you would follow me. When Kanan helped me trust the Light Side again, I saw you unconscious, I saw Hera's look and I felt guilty about it. I'm sorry, Sabine," he said quietly, looking at her and meeting her eyes. She smiled slightly, comfortingly.

"When I woke up, Hera was with me, she said I was safe now," the girl began, looking into his eyes. "I didn't believe her, Ezra. I know you weren't you, I know you didn't mean to hurt me, but it happened. I am afraid that someday no one will be able to stop you."

When she said these words, there was a deafening silence between them. Ezra wanted to say something, assure her that he would never be fooled into the dark side again, but could he really promise her that? He knew one thing - _he would never let her hurt_.

"I would like to promise you that I will always follow the Light side, but... I am not sure if this is possible. Kanan knew how to help me, he knew how to stop me. He always knew that, Sabine. Now that I'm alone."

"You aren't Ezra, you aren't alone. You have us, you have the family,”she said quietly, looking at him. He closed his eyes and sighed softly, feeling her small but strong arms wrap his body. Like this seemingly innocent touch, he makes himself feel much better. In an instant, doubts vanished, and fear gave way to a new hope that filled his heart.

"I _forgive_ you Ezra," Sabine whispered, placing her head on his shoulder. He embraced her, feeling a pleasant warmth fill his whole body. "Time to forgive yourself."

Hope was indestructible.

Their whole lives were filled with pain, oppression, slavery and fear. The constant struggle for survival has taught them perseverance in overcoming adversity. The rebellion united them into one loving family, for which they were ready to pay even the highest price. The crew of the Ghost opened the way for them, which they followed together bringing hope to other beings, next planets.

_It doesn't matter where we come from, we will beat you  
because we all believe in freedom._

Freedom.

Ezra dreamed of feeling free as did the other members of the rebellion. He wanted to bring Lothal from under the yoke of the Empire by staying with his friends. They will do it together as a family. They will save his beloved planet, just as he would save the fourteen-year-old boy he was a few years ago.

Ezra looked at the sleeping girl in his arms. They sat on the rock for an hour, and a moment ago Sabine changed position, being in his safe, back arms. He knew she trusted him again and he wasn't going to disappoint her, not this time. He couldn't lose her, he felt that _she was his light_ in dark times. First she brought colors into his life, to light the darkness of his heart now.

He kissed her lightly on top of her head, hoping that someday he would have the courage to finally tell her how much she meant to him.  
Now they must win the war to enjoy freedom in the future.

_**Together**_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... this is the end.  
> This story is one of my favorites (of course if we talk about my stories).  
> Many thanks to all those who read this story.  
> Thank you so much for all comments and kudos!  
> See ya soon!
> 
> ◦ Hera's quote is different than original, I know. This words are faithful translation of polish dubbing.


End file.
